So long, farewell, auf wiedersehen....

OK so anyway I can't blog anymore.

The most important reason is that with my imminent unemployment and probable appointment as a Very Busy and Important Lady I need to reign in my social networking. The best metaphor I can come up with is that it's time to hang up my strappy wedges, don a sensible court shoe with a low heel, and thrust myself upon the real world with aplomb and straightlaced vigour.

Secondly, people actually read this (I'm shocked). So, I haven't blogged for ages as I live in terror of people actually reading it and talking to me about it (blogging from 20,000km away was far more anonymous!).

Thirdly, and this leads on from the second point, I think I'll get in trouble if I blog about all the interesting things I've been up to. My circle of friends is small enough that pseudonyms won't work in protectng their identities, and well, I'm not innocent either.

So from now on, I am blogging anonymously out there, somewhere..... I'll never tell!

Online Dating. Still laughing.....

OK, I've been resisting writing about this topic until now, but now, I cannot help myself.

Driving home tonight on CityLink there was an ENORMOUS billboard. One of those lead-you-on type ones where you don't know what it's all about.... I unfortunately have a photographic memory for these things and generally curiosity drives me mad until I have to look it up (on my Telstra enabled Broadband - to which every day I say hallelujah).

SO I looked this one up. It was an online dating site. O-kay.... so, I'm not an online dating site virgin. Been there, done that, and been deserted in the Middle East. But, that's a story for another time.

But, this is one was a budding online dating site, and of such poor quality I was truly horrified. AND I'm too scared to put the link in in case I get SUED (oh yes, my blog is growing in readership daily).

Curiosity and general boredom (and procrastination. I am meant to be looking for a job, aftera all) meant that I spent about an hour looking around. Half that time was laughing and half that time was shuddering. Yes, I am a bad person who is going directly to hell. I was laughing at these poor unfortunate lonely broken hearted.....

....psychopathic morons who deserve to be single.

Just in case anyone happens to be reading this who may be interested in online dating, I'm going to give you a few tips:

- do not mention snakes in any context anywhere in your profile (one for the fellas in particular)
- use correct spelling. If you're not sure what this is, ask a friend. My favourite: purrfume (something you'd put on a cat? LMAO).
- do not post a photo in which it looks like you are not wearing any deodorant. Again, a friend can help you out here.
- if you don't have hair, you need to choose "bald" as your hair colour, not the colour it was before it fell out.
- it's not necessary to specify the number of marriages that preceded this latest attempt to find a wife. "Divorced" is generally sufficient, regardless of the number .

I'm the first to admit that I have unattainably high standards when it comes to finding a man (and I have references to prove it). Perhaps what I outline above is just what you are looking for. If so, get in touch. I'll send you the web address.

Broadband and I have consumated our relationship.....

It was a speedy drive home. Getting a park directly out the front of my apartment building was a "sign".

16:29:50 - shivering with anticipation, I unlocked my box and there was no modem, but a very promising slip stating something has arrived from Australia Post.

16:29:51 - shuddering with realisation that it may be complete box set of Gilmore Girls Series 1 - 7 that I ordered from Bigpond Shopping (too ashamed to buy in person in shop).

16:29:59 - back in car to drive to Post Office.

16:30:10 - arrive Post Office (it is 70m down road).

16:33:15 - reach front of queue after agonising 3 minute wait.

16:33:45 - and the winner appears from out the back and it is..... Bigpond Broadband!

16:33:46 - brief moment of disappointment as realise Gilmore Girls has not arrived.

16:33:46.5 - come to senses. Slap self.

16:39:03 - open box in kitchen. Surprisingly all contents is there and appears intact. Plug modem in, modem works, have connection, but can't connect to it. Call Bigpond. Yell at Parneet. Parneet fixes. All is well. I'm connected.

17:03:01 - Bigpond and I roll over to face opposite directions, and light our cigarettes.

In all, an anticlimax.

Writing? Or Ranting?

Well, I guess to be a writer, I have to actually write. Of course, now that I have to write, I don't want to write anymore. Writing has become a boring chore, something I have to do for someone else on topics I despise (Marxism. I read Sophie's World a long time ago - do I have to relive all that now?) in timeframes that are unachieveable.

Ranting however. Ranting I can do - no problem.

For example. Yesterday I realised that I live on a train line. Not sure how I missed it when I did the property inspection, or when I moved in, or how I missed it generally when it is all I can see from the balcony. Or how I could miss it when my nephew and nephew-of-choice were waving at trains for 4 hours straight last weekend. Or how I could miss it when I have to cross the tracks to get coffee (well, the good coffee anyway). Or how I could miss it when I can hear the trains going past.....

What it did take was a string of visitors coming into my apartment and saying, "Oh, you live on a train line?".

"OH MY GOD is that what THAT IS???!!?"

Yes it finally came to me this morning. I live on a train line. This explains everything. Thank you to all who pointed it out and enabled me to finally see that I live on a train line.

Needless to say I got out of the wrong side of bed this morning. Grumpeeeee. I don't think it's because I'm turning 32 tomorrow. Or because I had several glasses of red wine while doing my new picture wall (I am SUCH a good photographer). No, I'm grumpy becuase I had to get up and go to work.

Despising work is my new thing. I despise it with every atom of my being. I hate stockings. I hate peak hour traffic. I hate that I lose my ID card when I'm bursting for a pee and can't get out of this prison to go. I hate that I lose my ID card and can't get back into said prison after doing anything that could be considered "fun" outside the prison, and run late for something "important". Two good things about work - stationary, and getting paid. Not in that order, either......

Needless to say here I am, blogging (in a break so it's kosher). Of course I'm a Virgo, and therefore a perfectionist, so not only do I despise work with every atom of my being, but I do it perfectly. I also am obsessed with doing everything at work perfectly, so even though I despise it, I still do everything and do it well. I hate having OCD.

My house guest on the weekend made a few comments about the perfect nature of my apartment, some jokes about my perfectly hung towels and his compulsion to mess them up. Lucky for him he didn't mention the train line. Because that would have been ugly.

Waiting, waiting, waiting. For Broadband.

Laying on my new Italian leather sofa. Waiting for Broadband. I have been waiting a long, long time.

I have forgotten how to cook. But definitely not eat. Or drink.

I am currently Head of Corporate Services. To the best of mw knowledge, this means I direct builders and tell them and their cranes where to drop our glass, and order massive holes to be cut in the ceiling. And I sign things. Lots of things.

I am also an Arts student. But thanks to Telstra, two weeks behind already.

I forgot in my desperate search for an inner city apartment with a view that you actually have to clean said apartment - bigger not better in this instance. Error.

Pictures will follow..... when I get my Broadband connection.

Kathryn Jayne in Melbourne.....

...for those of you who just can't live without knowing what's going on in my life over your morning coffee and donut.

Dedicated to Melanie!